- You know what I like about you?
- No, what?
- It's like you're not afraid to be like
and respectful.
- Right, thanks.
I really liked your .
- I think we really compliment each other well.
- We just did it, .
- And I pretty much go with the flow.
- Right, right.
- And what the () is wrong with you?
- ?
- Do I look like Mad Max to you?
- No.
- Then why the () is water a rare commodity here?
(gentle music)
- Hey girl, I'm home.
- Hey boo, how you doing?
- Good.
- [Woman] How was work?
- Sucked.
- Aw, can I ask you a quick question?
- Yeah, sure, what up?
- I just been noticing that every time I leave to go out,
the next time I open the computer,
the has been cleared.
- Hmm, that's weird.
- Yesterday I went food shopping for like 15 minutes.
I used a computer before I went to the store
and when I came back, my history was gone,
the cash was cleared and the had been .
- Huh?
()
Well, I think sometimes the computer
runs an automatic software update,
so maybe that just kind of clears the history.
- Yeah, except when you update the software,
a little window pops up and you click okay
and then it gets installed, so.
- Hmm.
()
, maybe there's something wrong
with the computer, ?
And it's just one of those things
whenever it gets interrupted from the power source,
it has to and it just totally wipes out the history.
- Be honest, babe, is , right?
- , what's?
Oh, pornography?
No.
- It's okay if you look at , I assumed you did anyways.
, every guy does, I'm perfectly okay with that
as long as it's not that weird stuff.
()
Oh, , well, I mean kinky's okay, I like .
As long as it's not that sick, twisted S and M stuff.
()
Wow.
Okay, I'm not gonna judge your journey.
It is your fantasy, just as long
as you're looking at women who.
()
Not women?
Wow!
Okay.
Men?
Chicks with dicks?
Horses?
Worse than horses?
Wow.
- Baby, give me a little credit.
None of that matters.
The only thing that matters that when we're doing it,
I'm thinking about you and you're thinking about me, right?
Right, baby?
(dramatic music)
Hey baby, wake up.
- What time is it?
?
- Good morning.
- Hey!
- Come on girl, it's time to get up, let's go.
- Delete the picture mother().
- Okay.
Delete, deleting it.
Delete, delete photo.
Okay.
It's gone, it's all gone.
- Thanks, baby.
How do you want your eggs?
- (heavy breathing) Scrambled.
( music)
What's all this?
( music)
- This is your lucky night.
I wanna be your fantasy, whatever you want me to do,
whatever you wanna do to me,
you just tell me you're naughtiest fantasies, boo,
and you'll get it.
- Seriously?
- Seriously.
- Like for realsies?
- For realsies.
- Well, how about we call up your friend, .
(window braking)
(man screaming)
(body )
- , I think we're ready to order.
- Well, , that's not how things work
in this establishment, someone will come to you.
- Yes, we're sorry, no problem.
- What was that?
- What?
- Well, where was black Jeff?
- ?
- Yeah, .
I read somewhere that when you date a guy,
you're supposed to get the best of both worlds.
So there are white Jeff situations
and there are black Jeff situations
and that was definitely a black Jeff situation.
- Oh, okay.
- Hi folks, I'm so sorry for the wait.
Can I get you bottled or tap water
for the table this evening?
- How about I bottle yo ass and kick it
down the stairs, man.
We've been waiting half and hour
for one of you mother() to show up.
- God, I'm so I'm so sorry, I'll get you a bottle
of our finest premium water on the house.
- That's what I said, bitch.
- ?
- , that was black Jeff.
- But he was just trying to help us.
- Oh, so white, white Jeff?
- Yes.
- Good evening, I'm sorry to bother you two.
I am the maître d' here at .
- Oh yes, what is it?
- I am so sorry to disturb you both,
but our establishment has a certain dress code
and madam's décolletage is inappropriate.
- Oh, , we're very sorry.
We didn't know there was a dress code.
We'll certainly remember for the next time,
but there ain't gonna be no next time
for you looking at my woman and her , ,
chuckalage or whatever you said, man.
- Is there a problem here?
- Okay, see, it was really a simple misunderstanding.
It all started with that mother() ,
who has myself and my girl.
But we really love this guy
and he gave us exceptional a service.
- We're gonna have to ask you to leave.
- You have to ask me to leave?
No you have to ask the black man to leave, huh?
Actually, you don't have to ask us to leave,
we just wanna ourselves out
and we ain't never coming back again,
though we really appreciate your help.
- That's a.
- Oh, lo , watch your ass, man.
Let us you for that , okay?
Right after I'll burn this whole place
to the mother(beep) ground with everybody inside of it.
By which I mean, you're going
to get a very negative review on .
- () This place is so nice.(chuckling)
- This is supposed to be one
of the best French places in town.
- Mm, I did not realize that you were so cultured.
- You're sweet.
My French is pretty good.
So, I can order for both of us, if you like.
- Oh, well, well, well.
- , welcome to ().
I am your way waiter for this evening.
My name is Jean de la Pierre ,
but you may call me Jean.
- , Jean.
- Oh, look at you.
- If you have any questions about anything at all,
I'm more than happy to assist you.
- Jean, I got it.
.
- Oh, .
Well our first special tonight is a
()
served with a ()
that is served on a bed ()
and also ().
- Oh, .
- Our soup today is the (speaking French)
with just (speaking French)
and served with melted (speaking French).
- Soup.
- Yeah. (chuckling)
- Our ardoise for today, we have a very nice
(speaking French)
from the (speaking French)
It is served with the side of (speaking French) sauce.
- Man, it's just, I'm a little bit overwhelmed.(chuckling)
- Man, oh yes, okay, I'm so glad you said that.
I was about to say the same thing.
- Okay, so you would recommend getting the (speaking French)
with the, oh, I'm sorry is the (speaking French)
in a heavy (speaking French) sauce?
- Oh, no, no, no.
It's more like a (speaking French) sauce.
- (chuckling) What do you think?
I'm gonna him on this one,
because he knows this stuff way better than I do.
- Monsieur?
- What choice?
Yeah, we'll have the (speaking ).
We'll try the (speaking ).
It's been nice knowing you, have a lovely dinner.
- Oh, .
- Well, wish I could just stay at my old place,
but I can't afford the new rent.
- Yeah, moving sucks.
, strangers handling your ,
the always break something.
- Oh no, I can't afford professional .
I'm moving my stuff this Saturday.
(dramatic music)
Good to go with the small stuff just going back
and forth with the bag.
But do you think you can borrow your roommate's van
and you can help me with some of the big stuff?
- Um, yeah.
?
I've been thinking a lot lately
and I think we need to spend some time apart.
Not, not to break up.
No, , , just some time.
Time apart to figure ourselves out and, and, and then,
and then we come back together stronger, .
- This is coming out of nowhere.
- No, .
I've, I have, I've tried to tell you like,
like a million different ways, but you don't listen.
See, that's the thing is that you, you never listen.
I don't need this time apart for me.
I need this time apart for us.
How long do you think it's gonna take you to move?
- Okay, this is about the move.
You don't wanna help me move.
- What?
I would love to help you move.
That's what boyfriends do, Claire.
- I just think that it's a weird coincidence
that you need space, right when I'm about to move.
- .
.
I am so sorry that I didn't plan my
around your move.
Look it, look at your face.
See, and now you've assumed the worst of me
because you do that and that's why we need
to spend time apart from each other.
- That is not fair.
- Not fair?
Fair?
Babe, all I'm asking for is 12 lousy hours this Saturday.
- Okay, fine!
- Okay, fine?
- We'll move on Sunday.
- 48 hours.
I don't know what I was thinking.
12 hours is nowhere near enough time to do what I need
to do to make our relationship stronger.
See, you got me all confused and you know what?
I love you, but I gotta .
I can't, I just can't, I don't.
I'm so confused right now I feel like, I can't think,
and the walls are closing in on me
and I just don't know what to do, I.
- That was my landlord.
He says he doesn't wanna lose me as a tenant,
so he is not going to raise my rent.
Now I don't have to leave my place.
- I don't need time apart because we're perfect together.
Will you marry me?
(romantic music)
- You paint my apartment.
- Yeah, , I'm painting her apartment.
That's what a boyfriend's do.
When exactly do you think that's gonna happen?
(both chuckling)
- God, the moment I saw you last night
at the club, totally had to ask you out.
- ?
Like the moment, that's so sweet.
- And I was actually afraid that you were gonna be like one
of those high maintenance chicks, ?
- What?
- Yeah, oh, yeah, , or,
I don't even know, I don't even know.
- Oh, , that's so funny.
- Isn't it, (chuckling) is it funny, is it funny?
- , I'm like, I totally just like
to be just like .
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's been five minutes and we're
just now getting our menus?
- .
- Don't be sorry, be better.
- Right, okay, I'll be better.
- At your job.
.
So yeah, my philosophy is pretty much
like keep it chill.
- Right, yeah, yeah.
- You know what I like about you?
- No, what?
- It's like you're not afraid
to be like and respectful.
- Right, thanks.
I really like your .
- I think we really compliment each other well.
- We just did it, .
- And I pretty much go with the flow.
- Right, right.
- What the (beep) is wrong with you?
- ?
- Do I look like Mad Max to you?
- ?
- Do I look like with a ?
- No, not at all.
- Does he look like a
with a in his hand?
- No.
- Then why the (beep) is water a rare commodity here?
- , .
I'm just.
, I'm just really slammed.
- You'll know when you're slammed
because your nuts will be on the table
and my fist will be covered in your blood.
( water)
- You were like kind of harsh to that guy.
- Oh, him?
- Yeah.
- No, I was a at a restaurant.
In the industry that's how we talk to each other.
I'll show you.
- Hey?
- Hey.
- What do you see there?
- That's your water.
- N-ne-ne-ne-ne, down.
- Down?
- Down boy.
On your knees.
- Okay, I have other tables that I have.
- What does that look like to you?
- Yes, there's a little lipstick on your glass.
- Okay.
- But.
- , it's your, it's your.
- This is what I want you to do.
I want you to take this glass in the back.
I want you to break it.
Take the biggest you can find and bring it to me.
- I'm.
- And I wanna your .
- , I'm just, I'll get you another water.
- I'm gonna your throat and watch you bleed out
and I'm gonna shower in your blood.
- , I'll get another water.
- Well, that would be great, .
But as I was saying, like, it just feels like
it's like others.
- !
That was your lipstick on the glass.
What the hell is that, ?
- Wait, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, .
You're still you, no one's ever talked
to me like that in my life.
- I'm just saying that your lipstick was.
- You have his back, who does that?
- It was your lipstick on the glass.
- He's just a waiter.
?
Take his side.
I hope you have a very happy life together.
- , what's going on right now, what are you do?
()
Seriously, .
- No.
- No.
, .
- Hey.
- .
- Hey.
.
- Man I just hurt her feelings
and then she left her jacket.
The least I could do is give her back her jacket.
- .
- She (beep) need her jacket.
- She does not need it, it's 87 degrees out.
You know she doesn't need it, in your heart of hearts
you know she doesn't need that jacket, .
- She's gonna need her jacket.
- [Waiter] No, she's not gonna need.
- , you need your jacket, though.
()
- Seem like a nice guy.
(people )
- [] ?
- No.
- Seriously, you've got to come back in the bar right now.
- You come back in the bar.
- , I don't even (beep) know Claire.
- Yeah, right.
- , .
- Yeah, well, why don't you give it
to your new fat ugly girlfriend.
- I didn't even met her yet.
- Whatever.
- , .
- Oh, throw it in the river.
- Why would I (beep) do that?
- I don't care, .
- Fine!
God.
!
- Leave me alone!
- But your jacket, though.
- [Megan] No.
- Megan!
- You start buying drinks for everybody
as soon as she comes over, , who does that?
- Megan, !
- You're literally an .
- How's that possible?
I can't be an , I got arms legs and a head.
- Where's my jacket?
- I have your jacket.
- Fine.
- Do you want it?
- No!
- ?
- Beat it!
- Why would I do that?
?
I'm not following you anymore, I'm done.
- Fine, .
- Fine!
(police siren going)
- Megan, .
- No!
- !
- [Megan] Uh-ha, no.
- Megan, Megan!
Megan, do you want your (beep) jacket?
- No.
- Seriously, .
- You go back to the bar.
- I'm gonna throw this jacket in the water.
- Oh, nice, that's really nice.
- What do you want me to do, Megan, damn!
- Kiss my butt hole, okay?
- Good, fine, fine, then I'm going, I'm leaving right now.
God damn it.
Megan!
- No.
- Like seriously, your jacket.
- No.
- But it's your jacket, though.
- Whatever.
()
- !
- No.
- I have your, I have your jacket.
- .
- Seriously, Meghan.
(bird )
()
- So what do you wanna do tonight?
Like I was thinking maybe we can meet up with Amy and
and like before that we could go to Angelo's
and before that we could like, just go by.
- Meghan, I have something to say.
I had to say it in person because it's,
it's like super important.
- Okay.
- I know this is sudden but like I've been thinking
about this for a while.
And I know this is something that needs to happen.
I'm breaking up with you.
- Cool, , totally fine with that.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Cause I thought, I was really worried
that you're gonna be like mad.
- Mad?
, ?
No, of course I'm not mad.
People grow apart, it happens, it's like part of life.
No, I'm totally fine, like, , , .
- Um, (coughing) so, you know, we, we had a good run, yeah.
Don't be a stranger, yeah.
- Can I just, can I ask why?
- Why?
- Yeah, like , like I'm some work on myself
and like trying to grow as a person.
- Cool, cool.
- So, I really like appreciate to know why.
- Yeah, um, okay, yeah, that's like.
You know, I think that you're kind
of like a controlling person.
- , thank you for that.
That's nice, thank you for that.
- Cool, no problem.
- [Meghan] Yeah. - Yeah.
- So, you know what your problem is, ?
- What?
- You people.
Every little thing somebody does,
you have to keep of it.
- Wait, I, I can't tell if you're angry or not.
- I'm not.
Totally not angry.
No, I'm excited, it's good,
it's just like you said your peace
and I just think that I deserve the human
to say my peace.
- Right, right.
- Is that, is that not okay, or?
- No, no, no, it's, no, , .
- You're a controlling person.
Everyone says that.
- I don't think that I am.
- Yes, you are, .
Yes, you mother(beep) are.
- Okay, now like you sound pretty angry.
- I'm not angry.
I'm not angry, I'm fine, I love it.
I love that you came to my house
and you broke up with me in my space.
And I'm gonna think about that every time I'm here.
That's great, that is so perfect for me.
It's the best thing that (crying).
- Where else was I supposed to do it?
Because you won't come to my house.
- Oh, there he is, the is back.
- But I'm not, I'm not the .
- Than why are you doing this to me?
- It's true, you won't come to my house.
You said my apartment looks at two rats just (beep)
in it every day.
- Oh right, like thank you for that.
I'm , .
- I didn't call you, I didn't say bitch,
I didn't say, all I said was that.
- Well which is it, am I evil or am I ?
- No, though, you're not evil, Meghan, you're not.
- Then why are you punishing me?
- I'm not punishing you, I'm not.
- Oh, no, you broke up with me
and I'm not supposed to feel punished?
Who thinks like that?
- (screaming) , okay, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, okay, Meghan?
I guess I didn't think it through.
- It's like too late now, , we're dying.
- No, it's not too late, Meghan, Meghan, seriously, ,
I, I, I had a feeling that I thought was true
and clearly, clearly it wasn't true.
- I'm so confused, like are you breaking up with me
or are you not breaking up with me?
- Meghan, I'm not breaking up with you.
- Okay, cool, so what do you wanna do tonight?
Like, I wanna hang out with Amy and
but maybe before that we can go to Angelo's,
and before that we can go buy some things.
- What just happened?
()
()