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this place is amazing how do they keep

incrementally improving products year

after year uh the apple pencil pro is

far superior to last year's disgusting

obsolete apple pencil the new one can

write in cursive i literally saw emily

dickinson writing poetry with it in the

apple dv plus show dickinson on my apple


oh they have a youtube branded wi-fi

router wow it's red for every four bars

of signal you get bono sends a pair of

shoes to a sea turtle hey there

are you looking for a repair that should

be an apple pencil pro apple servant you

got it you want a charging necklace too

the pencil runs out of batteries very


get away from me oh my god pete you okay

these are the psycho aliens that

tortured me in their dungeons that's

impossible we turned our dungeon into a

florida room yeah we've never even met

this [ __ ] freak show hello sir don't

touch me

siri call the cops playing destiny's



that's them

he doesn't have a hole we'll just have

to make one

hey how's it going


the solar opposites are going to jail


35 mandy sinclair 28 jeffrey dean dorgan


agnes peterborough 75 years old tomorrow

would have been her birthday

cool list bro i take my coffee with a

splash of mouse milk maybe you don't

understand what's happening here

you're done i know you killed all those

people i was an executive story editor

on bone seasons five through nine and

let me tell you friend

that's a season wrap on ethan oh you

never even got a bump to co-producer

pathetic i bet they just stuck you in

the bones joke room we didn't have a

joke room it was an innuendo room and i

was only there for the back nine

if you ever want to see the halogen

reptile lamp that yum you like uses to

simulate the light of day again

you better start cooperating buddy you

got it all wrong i'm gonna be walking

out of here and you're not

do you think tim and the walderman are

just gonna let you go oh yeah babe

without me

tim is nothing nada zero zilch

oh wow i didn't realize i was talking to

someone so important you think

jesse gives us cliff bars chewable

tylenol and dasani water

come on all that protein and medicine

that you're used to

this guy so i'm supposed to believe

you're killing people during the week

then turning big and running errands on

the weekends oh my god you're so stupid


there is a hole in the top of the wall

it's been there since before the war the

duke would use it to bring in extra

supplies to keep control of the

population a top secret hole that we

could use to escape huh you have quite

the imagination

murderer roheim had an amazon fresh

subscription they'd throw the deliveries

on the roof and i'd just climb out and

i'd get them now i do the same thing for

my close personal friend tim

i'm sick of this [ __ ] there's no

hole in the wall and i

won't let you drag tim's good name in

the before four time i was a

rock climbing instructor at bally's

total fitness outside the wall the only

thing i used to murder was indoor

climbing walls and i care

why oh once i got in here i had so much

temptation you know so many potential

victims and no rock climbing to distract


at first i was gonna kill myself that

way i wouldn't murder anyone but then

you saved me what oh you don't remember

do you

i'm the one who started the flooding of

the nerds

my plan was to die in that nerd pile and

finally escape my impulses

but then you saved me

oh my god that's when i knew i was

special you saved me so i could fulfill

my destiny shut up i am a god

let's go let's get in here that's my

ride okay let's say there is some big

conspiracy to help you kill innocent

people but now

you've told me the whole plan mr total

fitness so what happens next i don't

know they'll probably just come in here

and kill you and then blame it on a

cricket what

how the hell do you know about the

cricket yeah these guys aren't exactly

creative geniuses they always just blame

it on a cricket

has anyone mistreated you since you got

here i'm not saying anything until our

lawyer gets here oh my god

i'm your lawyer how many times do we

have to go over this objection overruled

i rest my case this isn't even the trial

forget it let me walk you through the

accusations and i gotta say

they seem very specific according to

peter the uh ocha

type character this all started off when

corvo got annoyed at an annual rib fest

style block party on the street outside

your house


pupa put those delicious ribs down god

damn it i hate this stupid rib fest

there's nowhere to park they play rib

jams all day and some guy who's not me

always wins the best ribs competition

why can't corvo be a winner for once you

know corvo you could take some barbecue

classes at the learning annex or watch

some youtube videos

chef nat paula deen kidnapping people

takes too long i'll just use sci-fi [ __ ]

the prosecution claims corvo created a

giant pig thing that self-cooked racks

of award-winning ribs out of its chest

whose blood tasted like delicious

barbecue sauce and when struck shout out

all the fixings damn it that

does sound like something i would do

right down to the fixing shits

where am i what am i are you my dad

that's good rib could use a little

barbecue sauce though

no corvo won five straight rib fest gold

medals dethroning lizzo's cousin ribbo

as the rib fest

champion please let me go hold still i

need a potluck worth of your [ __ ] for a

church event tonight

corvo wait i need peter to help me with

my math homework he's not gonna be able

to focus if he's screaming

what's the exit this equation tell me hi

guys are we having a

oh my god what's that please little girl

these guys are crazy you gotta help me

don't worry little guy jesse's here

you have to let him go you can't just

keep a creature trapped in your basement

and torture it you clearly don't

understand how important it is to win

rib contests



guys come watch me do donuts on the

front lawn i finally figured out how to

do it turns out it's a circle all right

peter escaped while you were distracted

by the donuts he spent a few nights in

the woods and he moved on with his life

got his mfa in interpretive dance

couldn't find work duh so he got a job

at the apple store with all the other

people who have

mfas okay look full disclosure that

story really did sound like something we

would do

right yeah i mean it feels like

something we pitched to hulu and they'd

say we don't understand it but go for it

but i don't remember any of it i never

went to a rib fest or met this delicious

rib looking peter guy

yeah just because the story sounded like

us doesn't mean we did it

yeah we're good people remember that

time we turned that homeless guy's blood

into vitamin water

or or when we killed millions of bees so

people wouldn't get stung yeah we

invented vaping that has to count for

something you're both right we're great

this was 100

not us well peter is a convincing

witness plus he's a big

alien thing and you're aliens so it's

not hard to think that you did this what

does that mean for us

it means you're [ __ ]

this is your last chance to let me go

buddy here they're cut they're coming

you feel them you feel them they're

coming it's all over you get ready

oh that hurt hulk calm down big guy

don't do anything crazy just put the

ring pop knife down stay back let me

kill him please

what are you doing he's the killer the

seven was an l it was upside down he

lived in a fortune cookie wait what are

you talking about if you caught the real

killer then great but if you kill him

it'll just make you a killer too

stay back don't take another [ __ ]


you know i bet prison isn't all that bad

all i have to do is buy my time until i

go to the sorting hat know what i'm

saying my man you're confusing prison

with the harry potter movie

don't make assumptions about people he

might have read the book [ __ ] you even

if he had he couldn't avoid the cultural

impact of the movie

oh come on you wanna fight me does this

mean i don't get to be in hufflepuff

god was that fun oh no please tell me

you got a backup crack pipe inside that


how does everyone in this prison have so

many ships well they teach a shiv making

class on weekends why yum you like you

know what they say give a man a shiv he

ships for a day

now teach amanda shiv uh this place is

horrible there's hardly any sushi the

guy making the sushi is a rapist and he

charges you

airport prices right before he shifts

you this is [ __ ] [ __ ] i know we

didn't do this to peter we're nice

pupa-fearing fox news believing members

of society how did we get here then

there's only one explanation the solar

opposites are getting set up


someone wanted to take us down it's a

conspiracy and we can't trust anyone oh

you think peter's the mastermind no way

peter's the best he has the face and

ribs of an angel how could you

say that about peter after everything

he's been through seriously terry go

[ __ ] yourself if sweet angel peter

didn't do it

who did is there someone in our world we

offended in some way

um last week yummy like and i didn't

want to take a history test oh we use

the bone change array to turn miss

frankie's bones into metal like marvel's


what's happening today hello sweetie did

you forget to take your keys out of your

pocket again

jesus that's grim it must have been miss

frankie well hold on there was also this

thing with

roland last tuesday i just watched toy

story four and i thought it would be fun

to make someone's toys come alive so i

zapped this guy's stuff with our make a

live friend

live [ __ ] live i don't know why

is my stuff alive what's happening

that's messed up terry but another

viable suspect it could also be matthew


he's the neighborhood fuckboy who hates

me for no reason he's kind of my nemesis

matthew told me i wasn't allowed to wear

christmas sweaters because i don't know

anything about christmas whatever the

[ __ ] that is

so i decided to shoot him with a sci-fi

holiday cannon

oh god no i can't feel my soul

who doesn't know about christmas now you

[ __ ] okay

wow we just flashed back to three really

good options for who's framing us

honestly there could be dozens of


guys stop think about it there's no way

humans could do this they're dumb as

[ __ ]

yawn's right they hella dumb they're so

budget jesse stop trying to make budget

the new basic

but yes in this one instance they are

budgets but someone did this to us

someone who's smart powerful handsome

loves animals has cheekbones for days

lots of time on their hands who could it


obama explorer yes obama the pride of

occidental college motherfucker's been

on our [ __ ] ever since we out windsurfed

them in cabo

we have to break out of prison and clear

our name hooray the solar opposites are

staging a breakout

pupa you up yes


all right the cops are after us that's

enough shaw shanking

wait what the hell are these oh oh god

oh no come on corvo let's grab our stuff

and get out of here no no no look at the

ribbons and the certificates look at the

[ __ ] trophies but i thought you

didn't win any rib contest we all must

have erased our minds we did do all that

horrible stuff to pete oh god

we're monsters no way we're always using

sci-fi stuff to help people

no we don't we're cowards and sneaky

shits who use sci-fi to make our lives

easier no one was setting us up we

really just are horrible people i mean


guys this is your final warning before

things get all pew pew pew

wait what people don't get that okay

just to be clear pew pew pew means we're

gonna be shooting bullets out of guns

not star wars lasers you guys got that

right look we're guilty of a lot but we

can pay the price for peter we have to

let ourselves get arrested and go back

to prison hooray

the solar opposites are taking


shoot we're we're coming out hold your

pew pews


temp what the hell hal colgam what are

you doing here

we need to talk oh of course anything

for a hero of world war one don't listen

to him tim he's gone crazy he's trying

to ruin sherry day

i've caught the real murderer he claims

he's some kind of runner who goes

outside the wall for celery sticks and


he says you and the walderman protect

him what the hell you told me it was a

cricket that's the line they were trying

to feed me too so this is the man who's

been terrorizing my utopia

yes you [ __ ] i told you tim would

want justice

my sweet ethan you're supposed to help

me what did you do you

stupid boy wait what i've been making

the wall a better place for all of us

you knew i've known ethan for a long


and yes there is a hole in the wall

there is a way out


my god ethan does runs for me he gets


food using a system to duke set up but i

didn't know he was

killing people i was just exerting my

will as a god hey would you tell

him you guys that i'm a god you guys

knew this was happening we were just

doing what we thought you would want we

wanted to shield you from the truth so

you could focus on leading us all what

you've done goes against

everything we fought for but i know your

hearts are in the right place

i won't punish you what that's not the

way of the wall [ __ ] no they can't just

walk away

but ethan we have to lock you up it's

for your own good my son you can't lock

me up cause i'll just escape and i'll


all of you because i am a god hulk

please let ethan go with the walderman

you have my word he won't hurt anyone



i had no choice they were part of the

old way part of the problem

but you hulk you can be part of the


walk with me even if you didn't know

ethan was a killer you've kept the

secret of the hole this entire time

i'm not asking you to give me your trust

but i owe you the truth all of it

hear me out and then you can decide what

you want to do

terry corvo yumilac jesse i find you

guilty on all counts i recommend you to

be put to death

if anyone has an issue with this speak

now or forever hold your p

ass i have something to say

terry the replicants and i have talked

it over and we believe that we should in

fact be sentenced to death

we we deserve it also speak now and

forever hold your pieces for weddings

folks i didn't win the hit abc reality

show america's sexiest judge just to be

disrespected in my own court space

now for the deets on the execution stop

i believe the solar opposites don't

deserve to die

whoa whoa i did not see that coming it

was that big rib monster they trapped in

the basement but i had to keep it cool i

mean i was the sexy judge

speak your truth homie yes they are

really really terrible people which is

why they deserve something worse than

the death penalty

if they die they'll only suffer for a

moment but if they live they'll have to

suffer the guilt of what they've done

forever oh we can do that i feel toad's

guilty george

i am so sorry there are punishments that

will keep them in pain way longer than

killing them

some real [ __ ] up stuff like here let

me show you check out this video on

youtube holy [ __ ] we never even did

something like that at my frat

we did get close though all right b

bryce we miss you man if it's on youtube

how bad can it be i i bet it's just like

weird tickling

the aliens are going to put on gloves

filled with brazilian bullet ants the

ants have the most painful venom on

earth and each glove has over 500

ants the pain lasts for days

i deserve this thank you



we did it we outside those pizza

[ __ ] aliens oh it was complicated as

hell but we did it

i can't remember can you tell us how we

did it again i used the bone change

array to turn a regular pig into that


rip filled monster i bought some solar

opposites masks from the hulu stores

going at a business sale i

also got 15 penn 15 pens that are also


matthew it was a genius idea to switch

the holiday spirit cannon to fourth of

july mode that's right

pre-cooked ribs coleslaw poop and salt



and roland excellent call to use the

make alive ray to really land the plane

holy [ __ ] i'm aware of my existence your

name's peter


it was so easy to leave the harness

unbuckled during our fake family meeting

so peter could escape

now those bitch-ass aliens can pay for

all their crimes today

humanity wins wow [ __ ] what have i done

i can feel it

but it's good

oh my god look at this guy sure is that

supposed to be a wayne's world parody is

your name mark

oh those movies came out a million years

ago kind of loser gets his name added to

a wayne's world shirt

that's so embarrassing you're a real

[ __ ] idiot you know that

i can't even look at you get out of here

you [ __ ] freak

terry's watching get out of here oh

these ants feel bad but

[ __ ] on humans almost evens it out


oh wow look at this good cherry day


oh that's perfect wow

good sherry day to you

the first annual sherry day

before we get to celebrating our fallen


there is an important announcement to

make but you won't be hearing it from me

we captured the murderer it was

a rogue cricket who got in the wall

that's right thank you halc you're a

hero once again

we can now go back to life knowing the


is safer than ever before for sherry

sherry sherry